This movie was titled “Deep Blue Nightmare” when shown on LMN the other night – here on imdb it’s listed as “shark season”.
I had to wait a few days after the torturous viewing of this horrendous stinker, to get my thoughts together enough to write a review without using all the vitriolic insults in existence to describe it. During the endless two hours of it, I was either laughing out loud at its awfulness or screaming out loud: “Oh my gahhh, this movie is AWFUL!!”
My finger constantly hovered above the channel button on the remote, debating whether or not to get instant relief. But I managed, somehow, to stick with it to the end, knowing full well I would regret it.
The acting, writing, direction, and dialogue were too atrocious to be believed! The entire movie seemed to have been written by first-graders. There was not even ONE good actor in the bunch. They were all TERRIBLE. The blonde girl (yet another ‘Sarah’ of the hundreds of Lifetime characters named Sarah/Sara) was a control freak who kept screaming orders at the other girl – ‘Meghan’ (yet another ‘Megan’ of the hundreds of Lifetime characters named Megan/Meghan) – until I wished that the shark would just finally stop teasing the audience and get her and be done with it so I wouldn’t have to hear her screaming anymore: “NO! DON’T DO THAT! – NO! DON’T TOUCH MY PHONE! – NO! STOP IT! NO! DON’T USE YOUR OARS! – NO! NO!!” One of those times, when she yelled at her about her phone, the other girl turned out to be right about charging it so she could call her dad. But did Screaming Sarah apologize to her? Of course not.
Meghan yelled at Sarah in three different scenes – “I’m NOT getting back in that water!”, and then she went right into the water without hesitation a minute later every time when Sarah told her to and when she saw their kayaks floating out into the ocean. Who in the world with half a brain in their heads would dive back into the ocean just to get their stupid kayaks when they know there’s a bloodthirsty shark stalking them?!! YOU SHOULD STAY ON THE ISLAND TIL THE RESCUE PEOPLE FIND YOU, no matter what happens…duh. They knew that Sarah’s dad had people out looking for them, so it’s not like they needed the kayaks anymore anyway. And speaking of those kayaks, who on this planet would be stupid enough to use kayaks out in the deep ocean in the first place?? I couldn’t believe it when I saw the three characters at the beginning get in kayaks on the huge deep ocean to paddle for THREE HOURS to some stupid island for a photoshoot!
The biggest contrivance and glaring plot hole of the whole movie was the mindless blood-thirsty shark being selective in who it attacked: despite the many chances it had to attack the two girls when they were stupidly out in the middle of the ocean in their flimsy little kayaks for extended periods of time, it never even touched them – (except for pretending to attack Meghan when she fell out of the kayak near the end, without biting her at all) – yet it attacked and killed everyone else in the ocean without a moment’s hesitation. The shark simply played with the two girls – following them and swimming under their kayaks, etc., just to prolong the manufactured suspense.
One of the most glaringly ludicrous things about the movie is that Michael Madsen is old enough (and looks it!) to be the girl’s GRANDfather – NOT her dad. He looks and sounds absolutely ancient in this and it was excruciating to watch him and listen to him talk. WHY didn’t they use someone much younger, without the hoarse raspy voice and the horrid long, curly, too-dark wig that looked ridiculous on a man his age – not to mention the fact that it kept sliding backward, showing his gray roots? He must have really needed that paycheck.
All the tedious technical talk between the dad and the Navy guy in the boat in several scenes was mind-numbingly boring. It was so obvious that the Navy guy was literally reading everything he was saying from a script. And the silly girly-talk between Sarah and Meghan about the degree of their love for Jason, after he had been killed, while they’re in the middle of the ocean on a small rock-island with a shark circling them, just waiting to attack and eat them – as if they’re sitting in a diner over two Cokes or in one of their living rooms just shooting the breeze.
I could go on and on, but it’s just not possible to cover every single fail in this epic disaster. It makes me regret never having submitted any elementary school-level scripts to Lifetime and making a fortune from them being made into movies on the LMN network, since apparently they accept everything submitted to them, no matter how stupidly ridiculously awful it is. They seem to be desperate for movie ideas, since they’re reduced to making this utter dreck.
I wish I could give it 0 out of 10, but the lowest possible score is 1.
Grade F- / 1 out of 10.
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SHARK SEASON 2020 full movie
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